i dont know

i got into an interesting conversation with someone today.. she said that it was odd for people to read about other peoples personal life online. i really don't know i just like venting.

today .. fun with Jessi, just cuddling with her on CK's bed.. haha

thats really it.. haha shes fun i love messing with her....

.. ahh im peellinnnggg!!

today was a fine day..

out to jessi's in the morning it was fun watching movies and then talking with her and listening to her mom talk about things and kids. haha

then its home for.. i don't know rest i guess, was pretty worn out ... from stuff.. around 7 i made a call and around 8 i was gone and having fun with a dog named sam-ma-la-ma-ding-dong

oh yeah movies.. yeah we got some movies but i didn't have enough time to watch.
hmm homework...
so at jessi's for a little while then CK calls and tells us to come over.. after some debating aboot school work and shit we leave. at CK's have some funn haha i really dont think i can type it out..
I LOVE YOU JESSI&CK

exxxcuuse me for being forward but..

tonight i went out for the first time in a few days. it might seem like something trivial but its huge since.. it sucks when im not out.

i really didn't expect much from tonight, i guess i kind of wanted something else to happen but it didn't and yet it was still an awesome almost perfect night.

(i wanted to say perfect because it was the first word that poped into my head. it wasn't that great it was stake and shake and movies and cuddling)

hmm jessi.. shes just great.. i don't know it was just fun seeing her.. the hugging and everything.

rawwrr.. calm down mother fuckerr

hmm.. she makes me happy. ahh brusies.. i love em.. haha ok i don't have anything to write about.. just i love her and she makes me happy blah im just happy me and her are friends and hanging out.. blah not for the next 2days tho.. grr..

.. props mother effer

.. if you read this.. my thoughts on here are just my thoughts.. i will not act on anything i talk about on here.. and if it seems like im angry.. yes i might be alittle but the happiness i expierence is... more.. i dont know how to explain it.. but yeah it means im happy and its all thanks to you

..don't read this..i dont think you'd like it

being emotionally attached is a bad thing. i try not to most the time but i have a hard time. i guess its just me.
its about 2.06 i really wish i could fill out this blog update but all i really can say is
your a woman and thats whats true.
and i know somethings are unavoidable.
i love it.. i don't want it to change- i dont want it to ever change. i love things the way they are now.

i know its been like forever and we really only been hanging out a reletivly short time.. but its hard to explain.. im sure if i don't think about it ill still feel the same way.. and if i do think about it.. i'll realize how messed up i am and shut myself away in my shell again..
-i feel like im on some weird ride... swinging between 2 lives and thew a wide range of emotions. just feel like i need to sit down - think - space and light up. i just have to clear my mind sometimes.

------------

.. I just love you and how you are

how your hair looks in the sun..

and how it looks in the dark when your half a sleep on the couch

i know things really dont matter. but when im with you.

your the only thing that matters to me.

im going to go to sleep know. i know it will be a while before you read this but.. please don't take this too seriously. these are just my thoughts and i needed to vent and get my thoughts straightened out without lighting up a cancerstick

mmerr.. hugs..

someone gave me a hug today.. i had to leave and she hugged me it seemed like that they didn't want me to leave

ahh i dunno thats all i feel like typing.

..and I just wanted to say good bye

this morning was really fun, i hung out with Jessi in my room.. i realy didn't do much this morning besides that, eat some cereal and shower.
after she left i just napped because i needed the sleep that badly.. after awhile.. which wasn't really that long father needed me to do some things in the garage for him.. boring stuff really i was more worried about going out later with Jessi
aunt came over with some food i really didn't eat untill a bit later aroud 6.45
so yeah i ate and i changed and called jessi.. i wanted to hang out.. she was tired she wanted me to drive there.
hm most the details about what i did while i was out.. are a bit vague.. for one reason tho I AM TIRED.. I DROVE HOME REAALLYYY SLEEPY and driving home sleepy and only being on the highway a few times and being in a car your really not used to.. is not safe.

.. k

im bored..

so today i spent time with Jessi of course.
after i loaded my laundry i decided to go driving, i called her and she said she was almost at her house. i was nervous about going on the highway i almost drove to Aurora instead of Plainfeild.
so i called jessi when i needed to know where to turn or whatever. i liked driving the Comaro on the high way.
hanging out woo.
hmm some pizza and then tv. jessi wanted to know what wanted to do- we deicded to watch a movie in the basment. we watched the movie then we watched a bit more tv... then cristina came over..
i got there around 4 and i left around 9ish..
i went back home because it was late.. i was kinda sick of talking about school and shit i was thinking about things on the way home.
i got home and i didn't see any one home so i decided to speed around the block woo!!
pulled over at home called jessi she told me that i should come back and then i called my folks, father told me to drive the taurus cause its safer
i was off. back to jessi's
i knew my way there how. i saw jessi come out of her house she needed to buy an assignment notebook because she got the wrong one from the school... i don't even have any notebooks or anything for school just the work books and shit. she found a good one for about 5$
went back to her place..
her mother said that she couldn't have any visitors or whatever past 10. so we hung out outside. first in the patio then in my car. we did that untill cristina came back form some where .. i think she was feeding some cat
cirstina is fun shes the coolest so is emma lue CK AND EMMA LUE!!
Jessi and me just chilled while Cristina cleaned out her car.. we all talked it was fun. they put some stuff away and i had to leave. i said good bye and then i went home. i drove slow thinking about things.. things i will never say but know are pretty much understood.

its a clam one tonight

i think tonight is an off night.. or whatever.

i really didn't do much with jessi

she waited outside for me tho for like 10mins because.. i dont know but i didn't hear her honk her horn

we went to manda's house

she asked us what we wanted to do- we all were pretty much up for anything.

i really didn't have much on my mind besides Jessi,

we all played monopoly, it was fun, another Jessi came over.

we finished up the game and we talked about what we were going to do.

decided to go see a movie, Jessica(not mine) called the theater to see what was playing and at what time.

we picked Red Eye PG-13 at around 9.15 ended around 11ish.

stuff thought about shit.

hmm not dating but you act like your going out.

.i honestly love her but it doesn't matter.

something wicked looms over him

sometimes i just get so fucking lost in my music.
whether im playing guitar or listening to it in my room alone, blasting tunes on my laptop.
it just makes me feel better about things... or it takes me away to a different place where nothing bad can or will happen
sometimes im feeling like shit doing fucking bullshit chores for my folks- i watch the music videos on ComcastOnDemand (I LOVE YOU COMCAST) and it makes the chores all that tolerable.

And theres other things i can do that make me feel better.
im really not sure which is better though

one thing.. is fun out places and it.. makes me feel almost loved for once..
the other thing.. absolutly nothing matters besides the distortion and how my hands&wrists feel while im doing that.

sometimes one of the things conflicts with the other.. like just troubling thoughts. just thinking of it and what may or may not and will not happen.. its just all d.. dumb.
BUT sometimes its like i get caught up, and get lost in.... it.. i mean just looking... makes me feel happy and think different. and the touch is.. i don't know how to discribe it but.. the word intoxicating comes to mind. And yet NOO matter how fun it is i can not help but let it trouble me. YES it is a new expierence to me overall but in the end.. its really nothing..? im not sure. i could spend hours thinking about it. im not losing sleep over it, its just there and it will be untill it decides to leave.


i did my best to keep the subjects of this rant as vague as possible, if you figured it out your a speical person and deserve a smoke.


the thought of it.. ending is sad. but suprisingly almost expecting it to.

i cant help but think

sometimes i feel fine. and then thoughts come to mind and can't help but think that my writs are missing a bit of red.

the air is saturated
and all i see is red
i cant help but taste the something bitter on my tongue
i cant see.. all i feel is the warm wet air

i cant help but feel sumbersed in blood

i blink and think
i look for clues on my surroundings.
i still see red and taste the bitter wet air.
dont open your eyes, dont breath or you'll drowned in it

i cant remember what i did.. but i see what has happened
i try to remember but my senses are overwhellemed

have i had a few. or is it the static in the air.
i see the marks on me. and i see you've cleared out of my room
i cant help but think ive done something wrong
to the both of us

i blink again..
bang on wood and velvet.
where am i
.. blood
guts..
..mistakes and your voice in my head and your touch haunt

ughh i cant find a hair tie

im lazy.. i dont feel like typing what i just typed on a different site again.. oh bother.

yesterday i went to mcdonalds to drop off an application. yeah i applied at mcdonalds.. blah blah.
- i got a call from Jessi early in the morning said she was going to come over after work because she did'nt want to go home because of some shit she went threw with her dad when she woke up that morning.
so she came over and we hung out for a while in her car at the park first then it started to rain and we didn't like being warm in her car so we decided to go to my house- we chilled in my room untill 3 when Jessi left.
-really didn't do anything for a while until later, i wanted to go out with Jessi around 7-8ish but father said that mother was going to take us out for some food.
mother came home we all went out. my family. folks asked what we wanted to eat, i said no buffets. we went to some place near Jewel on webber.
-after eating i called Jessi and asked her if she wanted to go hang out. she came near 10 and we hung out untill 12.30 when the cops busted us.
she came and we went to the uhh park. first we sat in the benches but it was hard and not cumfy. so we decided to sit in her car for a while. yeah cop..

today..
left around.. im not sure ireally dont remember i know it was before 7 tho and after 3 so im going with 5-6ish.
-first we went to her bank to cash her check then to Jessi's house, we watched ace ventura.. then jessi got her stuff ready for tonight- she was going to sleep over at manda's sister's place.
-when she was done we went upstairs for some snacks -chips and dip. jessi's mother was there so she was talking and i just sat there nodding and agreeing with stuff and YES IWAS INTERESTED IN WHAT SHE SAID. Jessi's mom ordered some pizza- after me and jessi snacked we went to pick up the pizza
-wow i forget what we did next.. i think we watched some tv and then we went to the mall.
-went to the mall picked up manda, manda and jessi shopped for stuff then we went to stake and shake after picking up Manda's flavor of the week.
i never thought id be accused of fooling around.. geeze
..yeah hanging out with Manda that was interesting. eventhough im not super close with her i think shes cool.
-yeah fun times after stake and shake we hung out in the parking lot waiting for some other people to come. we all went to an abandoned house.. manda.. said keep your hands to yourselves..

i cant believe you said that!!

i had fun the past 2days well ive had fun almost all week..
yesterday i hung out with Jessi and her gang of friends
first off jessi picked me up after she changed and ate a bit, we both made our way to stake and shake but emmalue wasnt there yet so we went to barns and noble to wait for her, when we got in and got to the back area- turned around and emma lue was right behind us, she saw us walking in.
we went to stake and shake, emma had some chicken fingers, Jessi had uh my cock! haha. she had some ice cream cake thing.. they both had coffee and water i just had some cheeze fries and a soda. i kinda sat there and .. yeah sat. jessi kind of leaned into me and hugged a little. we saw people come in they talked .. some wierd indie looking chick walked in.. she reminded me of.. DCJ..
after a while of sitting and talking we left, it was my last time of seeing emma lue so i gave her a hug.. blah.. :(
me and jess went to her house waiting for CK. i owed jessi a back rub so i gave her one, after that we just sat on the driveway waiting for CK.
CK came.. then we went to CK's to pick up some sleeping over stuff... CK and Jessi are gunna go see Emma lue in the morning really early, say good bye to her and shit like that

we went to CK's talked got some fruit snacks!! CK ate and i just kind of held onto Jessi. after a while we left to head back to Jessi's.
we went to a park... any one heard of a spider on the swing? i didnt before that night. we walked back to Jessi's decided to watch a movie... Ck stepped on our heads :(
we watched babes in toy land good movie to watch.. haha geeze bad acting and all that great shit.
sat with jessi and Ck on the good couch..
after the movie we all talked and then went to drop me off at home..
Jessi and me in the back seat, Ck drove

today.. hung out with Jessi from.. 11-3.15 basicaly just laid around talking and yeah half sleeping. probably gunna hang out tonight not too late tho. i guess i dont know. ig uess whatever happens happens

hmm what is it. is it 2already?

so i had fun last night. i was out with Jessi
we watched a movie with Emma Lue and CK, no Manda that night
we all had something to eat before we picked out and watched a movie.
jessi picked elvira misstess of darknes, hmm gave her a hug while she was standing by the videos/dvds
so yeah we watched that it was funny some sick shit too.. gave jessi a backrub.. just great times

after the movie we got going, we drove around in uhh i think it was CK's car,Jessi and me in the back seat. kind of laid on eachother i really couldnt tell where we were going. we were going to CK's to pick up some stuff, that took forever. we switched to EmmaLue's car because the backseat was clean. so we (Jessi Emma and me) chilled in her car for a while untill Ck came back out. there were things happening in the car lets just say "my back window is foggy".... i wasnt doing anything just sitting there with Jessi.. i think i had her head on my lap..

got to volunteer park yeaahh water. my jeans were dragging on the concrete i kept hugging jessi, she said she was cold. Emma and CK weren't runing around for too long- they said they were already tired from bein in a pool.
that was fun night..

i have very speical friends

spent the most wonderfull 2 nights with i guess.. but it be kind of much to say. with the one person i love.

last night i went to a place.. a club i danced.. i FUCK danced i thought it was awkward but it was fun..
emma lue and Jessi we danced, we danced in the cage.. some guy got behind Emma and.. ew it was just sick and it happend to Jessi and Me.. EWWW i didnt know what to say tho.. but its like why would you get on a girl when shes already got some guy on her
and emma lue got like 2 guys get on here that were creepy, and i didnt save her! bad bad..
hmm we all sat down for a break- yeah we were all sweaty. emma left. blah that sucked
so yeah we sat rested for a bit and went back to dancing.. than we sat down again then we all thought about what to do, then we went back out to look for some guys..
me and jessi were just standing there not really dancing but it was a little dancing and a guy got up on jessi WHILE I HAD MY ARMS AROUND HER.. and yeah jessi got rid of him. gosh DICK HEADS
then we sat down again then we left to do stuff..
Jessi and me went to denny's we ate drank soda!!! then rested in her car.. went home at like 3.50

toooodddayyy
movie night at jessi's
picked up around... 7ish got emmalue too and yeah manda was there she was at the club too
movies.. House of the Dead and Hells Gate 11:11
itwas fun untill the pillows started flying. and people started acting weird.
eah fun fun times.

i like blogger

i will be updating here woo!!

blogger will set you free

so yes im updating on here. i guess blogger is better

i was reading xangas earlier it just made me think.. and i wanted to write in here. so i am after being sidetracked tho by ims MP3s and thoughts of you.. ha.

a lot of things have happened recently, last night was one of the best nights ever in romeoville, i guess i say ONE OF THE BEST because yeah.. i still loved the time i spent with...DCJ.. ill just call her that for now.

i think it was special for every one that was there.. well except manda.

Emma said it was one of the funnest things shes done ina while and cool since she was gunna be leaving for college

hmm JessiLynn seemed like she was having fun but later on she was sooo soo sad. but yeah she had fun- i told her it was my going away party for her and id miss her for the next four days.

hmm CK i dunno stuff her hair looked cool all wet and she has curly hair... oooers.. haha

so i was talking to someone around 4am this morning and what she said just really surpised me but it shouldnt worry me or whatever since we're going to stay friends.

its not like i don't want to have a relationship with her beyond just friends, just really dont know how it will affect us in the long run

- i started thinking about all the reasons why she might want to become more than friends or whatever she said.. and i thought of how lame i am and how no one needs the misfortune of being close to me.

then i thought about whati was talking about to her when she told me this..shit.. i was talking about other girls to her.. i felt kind of bad but I DONT KNOW. i mean i do love her but yeah.. were just friends

hmm i dont know but mayyybbee

i dont know but maybe.. i want to hug BLogger because its been geting all my depressing entires.. i think im going to start up dating this site regularly..

lets say yay for coming home at 1

i had fun today..

i went downtown i had to do something to my moms car because she was freaking out about it so yeah..
after that went to chili's - got a call from jessi.. ordered my food before tho i decided to check my messege from jessi and call her back.. she wanted to hang out.
igot chicken tacos!! i ate 2 and i left I DROVE ALONE THANK YOU.. haha..
hmm came home, jessi said shed be there around 10. but stuff happened so shed be there a bit later.. so she came- i was taking out the garbage.. then jessi came with manda and i told her to go to a park down the street.. went there
talking.. ass smacking stuff.. the water jets and shit at the park.. a guy ona bike with his dog..

lets just say wet hugs are the best thing in the world.

just 3 girls running threw water. haha.. god they dragged me into one.. ugh thats it i hate thinking

how to myspace

instruction to become a cam whore/indie hipster/fashincore victim

-obviously sign up for the site
- get photoshop
(it is extremly important to get the softwear before geting the camera)
- purchase reasonably priced digital camera
-buy big dark sunglasses
take various pictures
-the SEX shot
(guys) crotch shot (gals) boob or some kind of near naked shot
-the emo shot
close up of person with glasses on and hair in face, and photoshoped to death
- the bathroom shot
shot of person in bathroom can also be the MIRROR SHOT, person takes picture of reflection. also non reflection and shot includes varios bathroom tolietries
- "death" from above shot
picture of person taken from an awkward above head angle
-crazy what the eff shot
person with friends doing crazy shit.. either at a show or party
all acceptable pictures but with limited space- only allowed 10shots, unless you know HTML- you may put varios picture throughout your site
almost all of pictures on myspace 80% are photoshoped. a lot of the shots may include said sunglasses
site also may include video. and the site may be "pimped out" by Thomas and other sites provide pre designed myspace layouts. and also a song minus a video

site info or whatever wirtten info may be filled with sarcasim, wit, or honesty.
post meaningless chian bullitens and write in the blog. fill site with meaningless bullshit. or have fun with it. do what you want kids



thats it for today kiddies

HOLD on im thinking

him: do you still want to talk to me?
her: suure
him: seriously do you want to talk?
her: yeah
him: i really dont know why i want to talk to you. you really make me sad
her: ok then why talk to me
her: pshhh i dunno maybe because i miss you
her: well i told you i dont miss you
him: yeah i know. ive been thinking about you.. and i dont know i ....
her: thats why i really didnt like you. you never know what to say
i never really liked you, i told you. i moved on and im too busy to hang out with you. why would i want to hang out with you anyway. i have other friends. im sure you have other things to do besides think about me.
him: i know i know.. but i really dont...ha..hmm
i just miss you. iloved hanging out with you.. ireally miss just being with you.
her: ...


thats all i really had thought out.. blah whatever im a fag leave me alone

oh yeah.. vegan